I guess this is how women get sucked back into abusive relationships. I’m back. Pretty sure I’m back for good. I realized after striking for Dallas’s Sunday night game against New York that for better or for worse I am down with this team, likely for life.
And it’s not that they won. I could care less that they won. A first-game victory over the New York Giants – even if it is the first win over Eli and co. in Dallas in something like four years – means absolutely dick if you’ve followed this malaise of a franchise over the past decade, particularly during the scourge of the Antonio Ramiro Romo era. (I honestly don’t’ know if that’s really his middle name, but I read it in a Bill Simmons piece and it legitimately sounds like the name of a serial killer, so I’m going with it.)
So I’m back. I will be unapologetically rooting for the Dallas Cowboys for now through the foreseeable future. I think this may be how union strikes get broken up too. You see what’s out there and you see what’s going on back in the place where you used to work and you realize that maybe that’s where you belonged all along, even if the boss won’t give you what you deserve and the deplorable conditions of your job can only get worse. At least it’s home.
For the most part I’m back cheering for Jerry Jones and his trophy wife, Tony Romo, because it feels wrong to be somewhere else and there’s just nothing fun about absently watching football games with no rooting interest. I thought about trying fantasy football again, but honestly my life is so much better without it that going back seems ill advised at best.
Watching football and being a football fan is exponentially better when not playing fantasy football. Fantasy football is really much more about gambling than it is about football. Like gambling, there’s an unequivocally important element of luck inherent in winning and also like gambling fantasy football brings out the worst in people. I have zero desire to ever play again. Unlike not rooting for the Dallas Cowboys, I’m pretty sure I’ll stick with that one.
But back to Jerry and his trophy wife. I was convinced to come back less by how I spent my Sunday night – not watching the Cowboys game – than by how I spent my Sunday day. There was an odd sequence of events that only the 21st century internet could make possible that showed me that this was the right decision.
A few weeks ago I downloaded the new Asher Roth mixtape, “The Greenhouse Effect 2.” Asher Roth is the guy who made the “I Love College” song that made me really fucking miss college when it came out in 2009. I wouldn’t call myself a fan, but I’m always looking for new music and downloading a free mixtape from the internet is a prospect with very little downside. Worst case scenario: the mixtape is terrible and you never listen to it again. Best case scenario: you find an artist and/or an album that you can listen to for years. Case in point: J. Cole, Meek Mill, Big Sean, Fabolous, Stalley, Tito Lopez, Machine Gun Kelly, Yelawolf, Elzhi, Big KRIT, Gunplay, etc.
TGE2 is OK. There are three tracks that are great, “Pass That Dutch,” “Females Welcome” and “Party Girl,” the rest ran the gamut between terrible and meh. On “Females Welcome,” Asher intros the track by asking if we’ve seen the Farrah Abraham porno. Not being a 15-year-old girl, I assumed Farrah Abraham was some porn starlet that Asher fancied and figured I’d check her out a bit.
When checking out porn performers (because not everyone is a star) I usually just do a Bing search. Bing is great for two things: flight searches and porn. The Bing flight indicator will tell you if the cost of a flight is likely going up or down and the Bing video search, unlike YouTube, doesn’t filter out porn sites in its video results. I generally use it to find out if certain performers have ever worked together, rather than actually watching porn there. I don’t really trust 90 percent of the sites it turns up and I’d rather just not watch a scene than risk downloading a porn-symbiote virus to my computer.
Long story short, Farrah Abraham is a girl from MTV’s “Teen Mom” (I’m sure you knew this already) and she filmed some sex tape with porn star James Deen.
SIDE NOTE: At present moment I feel like the designation “porn star” should be reserved for porn performers who have crossed over, in one way or another, to mainstream. James Deen appeared in that movie with Lindsay Lohan that no one can remember the name of, so he gets to be a porn star. There’s a supreme dearth of actual stars in the business right now, which is thanks to 1. the internet 2. the oversaturation of women willing to get naked on camera for little to no money. More on that later.
I digress. I actually knew about the Farrah Abraham sex tape, but only because I’d heard that James Deen had filmed a sex tape with one of the girls from “Teen Mom” and had this really hilarious anecdote about the whole situation. Apparently the teen mom wanted to make it seem like James was her boyfriend and they’d made a sex tape together just for shits and giggles but somehow it had managed to find its way to Vivid, who released it. The teen mom had consented only because there was such great public demand for it. Also, she supposedly did the sex tape “to celebrate [her] awesome body.” That’s an actual quote. At least according to Wikipedia and Huffington Post. Never mind that the best parts of her body are fake.
So, I watched the Farrah Abraham sex tape. It’s good. If I were into that sort of thing I think I would have really enjoyed it. It’s clearly professionally done – something Farrah admitted – and features a lot of what I guess you’d want to see in a sex tape. It’s by far the most porn-like sex tape that’s ever been produced, which made me wonder if that was the result of a new generation of kids that has had such immense access to porn or just the result of a really fucked up kid. As I watched the tape, I realized it was clearly the latter. The kicker? She did anal.
SIDE NOTE: things about the porn industry you should know:
1. Porn is really racist. I will know that our society is actually post-racial when interracial porn is no longer a thing and no longer made exclusively for white males. I’m talking black men with white women and white men with black women, which is rare, but happens. Both are made for white men and its clear by the way the black performers (both men and women) are comodified, by both their onscreen partners and by the people marketing the video. The lion’s share of porn is made for heterosexual white males, so anyone else who consumes porn either finds the niche markets or comes to terms with that.
2. Porn is really honest. The blatant misogyny in porn and the degradation of women and sexual relationships in general also serves as a great reflecting pool for our society at large. I always say that if you want to know who people really are, look at what they do and say when no one’s looking. That’s why YouTube comments and comment walls on websites in general are always so telling. No one has to explain why they like watching women get choked out or beaten or mistreated in porn because no one has to know you watch porn. You don’t have to explain why you watched the porn with the transsexual or the fat girl or the black girl. You can like what you like without having to explain or apologize to anyone. It’s honest in a way that most people just can’t be about their sexual proclivities in life.
3. Porn is a dying industry. Pornography will always be around, but like music and journalism, the internet has brought about a unique set of problems. For journalism, in addition to the availability to quality free content that gave rise to sites like Gawker, Slate, Deadspin and the like, the success of Craigslist and eBay destroyed newspapers because Classifieds (it literally took me 15 seconds to think of the name of the section) were such a huge source of revenue. Before the internet, porn was a very controlled industry. The biggest problem for porn is the rise of sites like YouPorn, Pornhub and RedTube that steal premium content and allow users to watch it for free. So what would once have cost you $50 and a trip to the old adult entertainment emporium or at least a $19.99/month subscription is free at your fingertips for no cast. Most people know this. Porn’s second biggest problem is that not only are the gate keepers in trouble, the talent is now in trouble. Part of the reason there are so few porn stars anymore is because there are so many girls willing to do porn. So while Jenna Jameson was one of few pretty blondes with big, fake tits willing to do threesomes and all-girl scenes in the late ‘90s, now there are literally thousands of pretty blondes with big, fake tits willing to do threesomes and all-girl scenes. The free sites have also upped the ante. When I started writing for XBiz (look it up), there was a girl whose name escapes me – very pretty blonde girl, though, and I think she was English – that did double vaginal penetration. Our CEO, the man who started XBiz and who had been, in essence, a pornographer for at least a decade was floored by this. Double vaginal? That was insane. Double penetration was outre, but double vaginal was just insane. Today? Everyone does DP. And do a search for double vaginal penetration and you’ll find scores of girls who do it. That’s the result of girls, bigger names, even, needing to compete with the no-names who are bringing just as much to the table as they are. And it’s not hard to bring a lot to the table – buy a pair of fake tits, get liposuction, dye your hair and you’re good. Sure, people like different things, but the easiest way to be as marketable as possible is to be skinny, blonde and have big, fake tits. So these girls who know nothing about the industry will do scenes for $200 (or less), sign their 2257 (the reason there are no more sex tapes; look it up) and be on their way. It’s the equivalent to BleacherReport or Examiner.com in journalism. The people who write for those sites aren’t professionals, but the public has shown they don’t really care. They just wanna see titties.
4. Porn performer pay works on a series of levels. Pay levels, from lowest to highest, go: solo, girl-girl, girl-boy, creampie, anal. In between there are certain fetishes. Foot stuff pays less than solo, unless it’s really weird; interracial pays between girl-girl and girl-boy (because girl-boy implies that both performers are the same race); and double penetration pays somewhere between interracial and girl-boy, unless you’re a big name and it’s your first time. Choking, cutting and other extreme fetishes pay around the same as DP, because you have to convince the girl to do it, but only certain players make that kind of porn and they’re not usually that flush with cash.
5. A lot of the women working in porn today just want to be famous. In the old days doing porn was about being deviant or a last resort for desperate women who had been sexually abused or molested as children. Today, it’s a way to make a quick buck and becoming famous. The deviants are still there, but they’re now outnumbered by skanks who just want people to know their name.
I digress. All that was necessary to explain why the Farrah Abraham tape fucked me up so badly. It wasn’t just that she did anal, it was that she had a career – this woman is a fucking New York times best-selling author – and she still chose to make a sex tape and do anal in it. There was literally no good reason to do anal on that sex tape. None. Celebrities obviously have a higher marketability rate for porn, so it doesn’t matter whether they do girl-girl, solo, boy-girl or interracial. Celeb sex tapes are basically worth the same thing. So doing anal made the tape slightly more marketable, but from a business standpoint the gains were moot.
The only reasons to do anal are that you want to start a career in porn and are making up for lost time or you’re depraved. But once you’ve done anal, the only place to go is DP or double vaginal or to fuck a black guy, and even then you’re probably gonna have to do anal. So unless her hope was to become the dirtiest porn star on the planet, what was the point of doing anal? Even if she really, really, really likes anal, keep that to yourself and just make a regular sex tape. I can’t imagine Vivid paid her anymore to do anal. Why would they?
The backlash has been seemingly negligible because I don’t think anyone really liked Farrah Abraham in the first place, but I was beyond flummoxed at why this person would do such a thing. So I decided I needed to know more about her. She clearly has some kind of mental imbalance to think that this was a good idea.
I started with Wikipedia and found out that her baby daddy had died and that his family was apparently suing her. Then I looked her up on TMZ and found out that she had been desperately trying to get attention by posing nude on beaches and submitting photos of herself getting her tits done. Then I saw that her mom was a crazy enabler, the kind that turns into a yes man once their kid gets famous because they can’t control the money and don’t want to risk losing out on it.
She also made some comment to TMZ about James Deen having a small penis, which was just absurd. I mean, James Deen is no Lexington Steele or Jack Napier, but small he is not. That also made the fact that she did anal that much more confusing.
All of these things pointed to a girl with serious issues, but nothing that would suggest she would shell make a porno and then do anal. That’s an entirely different sanctum of crazy.
Eventually I stumbled upon a clip of her talking to Howard Stern. I’m not really a fan, but famous people, for whatever reason, are willing to tell him shit. It’s weird. So I figured maybe the explanation would be there. I made it about 10 minutes before I realized that I was just tired of this girl and that I really didn’t care what fucked her up so bad that she was willing to hire James Deen to do anal with her for a video she contracted out with Vivid.
SIDE NOTE: Vivid’s revenue model must be solid if the TMZ reports of Farrah making $100,000 from the tape in two months are true. As far as I know it’s a web-driven release and it’s not behind a paywall. I’m not sure how they’re making money from it, since I have AdBlock Plus and don’t see ads, but whatever it is, good for them. I’m a fan of anyone who can monetize online, because I’m part of a dying industry that really needs to. So whether it’s pornographers or murderers, if there’s a way to make money from the internet I’m all for it.
I digress. As I was listening to the Farrah Abraham interview on YouTube, a link popped up for an interview with Dustin Runnels a.k.a. Goldust a.k.a. Dustin Rhodes. Runnels has apparently been pulling this fake Tourettes gag for the better part of a decade now and Stern had him on to make fun of him. I decided to watch that instead.
Recently, I read an interview with some wrestler talking about Dustin Runnels. Word is he’s actually a good ol’ boy from Texas and the androgynous, homoerotic Goldust character is about as far from his real personality as it gets. He stayed halfway in character during the Stern segment. Wrestlers always stay halfway in character when they’re doing press. It’s this weird nod to the idea that though the wrestling is fake, the storylines are real. To wit, my favorite quote about acting comes from The Rock who said, “You can’t have a good character unless there’s a part of you in there.” True or not, that’s informed my view of actors since I heard it.
Anyway, Runnels finally started talking about his ex-wife, Terri. He tried not to at first, but like I said, Howard has a way of getting people to talk about shit. So he starts talking about Terri and about how much he hates her and about the massive alimony payments he has to send her. This was by far the most interesting part of the interview, I think in part because I had such a huge crush on Terri when I was a pre-teen and in part because it seemed so honest. Even though Runnels was still doing his fake Tourettes thing, he sounded really genuine about the whole thing.
The most interesting part of that conversation was when Goldust talked about the strained relationship he had with his father, Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes was also a professional wrestler, and typically famous dads and famous kids don’t really get along because the father was too busy banging tramps to raise the kid, see Voight, Jon; Fielder, Cecil; etc. But in Runnels’ case he actually had a good relationship with his father until his father started having problems with his wife.
Runnels trophy wife drove a wedge between Dusty and Dustin that brought them to a point where they didn’t speak for three years. In the end, Dustin realized that Terri was nothing more than a gold digger (pun intended) and somehow he was able to reconcile with his dad. The moral of the story is, don’t let a gold digging harlot trophy wife ruin relationships with the people you love. It may take them a while, but eventually they’ll realize the error of their ways and underneath their poor decision making, they’re still the person that you love.
So that’s how I feel about my Cowboys. I hate Jerry’s gold digging trophy wife Antonio Ramiro Romo, but I love Jerry and I love my Boys. I’m not going to let this lapse in judgment, however costly it may be to the future of the franchise, disrupt the two-decade love affair I have had with my team. So I’m back and I’m all in. For better or for worse, I’m a Cowboys fan.
I don’t support Jerry’s bad decisions and I don’t support his shitty trophy wife, but I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.