The explosion and preponderance of hot female Olympians has been one of our favorite things about this year’s games. More than just ogling pretty girls, having attractive female Olympians speaks to the new normal of female athletics. Women who competed in sports used to all be homely lesbians, but now pretty sorority girls compete and they win. It’s exciting to watch.
That said, putting together our all-Olympic team was tough this year. As much Olympic coverage as we watched (way more than you), we’re still not sure we found all the talent out there.
Since handball and beach volleyball were our two surprise favorites of the games, we’ve decided to make the all-Olympics SheCouldGetIt team a handball team (because handball has seven players and seven subs, which allows me more flexibility than beach volleyball, which has two players and zero subs).
SIDE NOTE: After watching women’s handball, it seemed like the men’s version would be better. It’s like a glorious mix of basketball and lacrosse so naturally we assumed that bigger, faster, more coordinated men would be more exciting to watch. That’s not the case. Women’s handball is way more fun to watch and not just because there are some cute girls on most teams (none go beyond, though). The women are smaller so their game flows more smoothly. The men are too big and bulky and it slows things down and makes the movements awkward. I digress.
We’re very proud of our all-Olympic SheCouldGetItTeam. The starters are two tennis players and two beach volleyball players, along with a runner, a basketball player and a girl who throws things. The US is well represented (because we have the hottest women), but Europe, South America and Asia also make the list.
We would like it noted that these are all Olympians we spotted while watching the games, not girls we picked off of some “Hottest Olympians” list online. Also, full disclosure, we may be going through a blond phase right now. Anyway, without further ado, here are the starters:
Sabine Lasicki (Germany, tennis) Hot, thick, blond and German. You’ve got to wonder what kind of guys she’s into. Are German men intimidated by her thickness? Can they handle it?
Angelique Kerber (Germany, tennis) –Also hot, thick, blond and German. She’s Lasicki’s doubles partner on the German tennis team. Their chemistry really gives the team a kick.
Lolo Jones (United States, track and field) – She’s taken a lot of heat for getting a bunch of endorsements and then sucking in the actual Olympics. Those mean reporters even made her cry. But here’s the thing, it’s not her fault she’s hot and it’s not her fault that people want to give her money. To be great at anything, especially individual athletics, you have to have an irrational belief that you are the best. If you’re on that short list of demonstrable greatness, and fourth place in the fucking Olympics puts you in that echelon, you have every right to accept money and advertising from companies who want you to be the face of their brand representing Olympic greatness. That is to say that of course Lolo Jones thought she was going to win gold. Track and field reporters and enthusiasts knew she wasn’t going to win gold, but to be great you have to ignore all those people. People should really lighten up on the poor girl. And she’s funny.
Leryn Franco (Paraguay, track and field) – This is our team’s go-to player and MVP. She’s also a model, so she’s professionally good looking. Unfortunately, she’s not really very good at her actual sport. She didn’t even make the finals and ultimately finished 34 th at the javelin this year.
Marketa Slukova (Czech Republic, beach volleyball) – A friend once referenced a girl and said, “That’s how all women should look.” Beach volleyball players are how all women should look. They’re tall, toned and actually vary in shape quite a bit. Some are skinny like Kerri Walsh and others are round (not thick or fat, but round) like Marta Menegatti (who is also on our list), but they’re all really fun to look at when they play. That’s probably why this list has more beach volleyball players than any other sport.
Candace Parker (US, basketball) –Candace is the Beyonce of female athletes. She’s so unquestionably hot that sometimes you forget how hot she is. And also she’s married to Sheldon Williams, which no one really understands. It’d be like if Beyonce was married to Ja Rule or something.
Xue Chen (China, beach volleyball) –Who would have thought that China would produce one of the hottest beach volleyball players in this year’s Olympics? Beach volleyball players have to be tall and athletic and female, three things the Chinese are not really known to be.
Catalina Ponor (Romania, gymnastics) – The only gymnast on the team and our 8-man off the bench (like a sixth man in the NBA). She’s pretty much the only gymnast of age outside from that old lady from the Ukraine who is like 40. It was nice to have a gymnast to crush on now that most Olympians are 14-year-old girls with tiny legs and impossibly huge shoulders.
Alex Morgan (US, soccer) – Don’t understand all the Hope Solo hype. Just don’t. Alex Morgan is so much hotter.
Liu Hong (China, race walking) – She makes race walking watchable.
Kim Glass (US, volleyball) – We weren’t actually fans until this photo shoot.
Alyson Felix (US, track and field) –Alyson looks like a really sweet girl. There was so much talent in this year’s Olympics her teammate Sandra Richards-Ross didn’t make the cut. She’s hot too.
Stephanie Rice (Australia, swimming) – This photo got her on the list. The fact that she put it on Twitter merited her starter contention.
Louise Hazel (Britain, track and field) –Louise and Stephanie Rice illustrate an ideal that we never thought was possible, that excessively muscular women can be sexy. It’s the new normal. Somehow despite a rippling six-pack, she’s still got a feminine body. She’s also gorgeous.
Becky Hammon (Russia, basketball) Christina Vukicevic (Norway, track and field) Jessica Ennis (Britain, track and field) Beatriz Fernandez (Spain, handball) Marta Menegatti (Italy, beach volleyball)
Ida Alstad (Norway, handball)
Jaque (Brazil, volleyball)