Big Dion

Anthony Weiner’s political career should be over. It’s a simple formula, when you have already overcome the hamstringing effect that having the last name Weiner carries, you ought to be smart enough to not send pictures of it via Twitter. I mean, come on!

Your last name is Weiner. It’s too easy. As a politician, you have to realize that if these pictures were ever to become public you would be the laughingstock of the country. Not only are you a laughingstock because of the fact that you’re sending pictures of your wiener to young women who are not your wife, but because your last name is Weiner. I mean, come on!

Such abject stupidity and inability to control your hormones should automatically disqualify any previously respected individual from office. I just cannot understand how anyone could be so stupid. Your last name is Weiner! I mean, come on!

I don’t think Weiner should step down because he was unfaithful to his wife. Clearly monogamy is a ridiculous facade that even the most scrupulous among us can’t adhere to. It does, however, beg the question, is Twexting cheating? SIDE NOTE: I’m copyrighting the word Twexting.

It also begs another question, why do people think they’re not going to get caught? I’ve never sent a girl a picture of my penis. You know why? Because she could use it to humiliate me publicly. And I’m not even famous. Nor is my job wholly dependent on people’s belief in my integrity. Still, I know not to send out pictures of my junk. Anything you put on the internet can and probably will become public information. Why do people continue to ignore that fact of life?

Certainly politics are about representing your constituents and having great ideas and being able to govern. But if I’m voting for a politician, it’s important to me that he not be an idiot so motivated by the demands of his libido that he’s willing to risk overwhelming national embarrassment on its behalf.

Also, given that this little error happened almost right on the heels of the new Twitter photo sharing service, shouldn’t the website’s owners really start looking at how to clearly differentiate between sending a DiM and sending out a public tweet? This little snafu has already happened to Bill Simmons, Ray Allen and now Weiner, that I’m aware of.

As far as Republican Chris Lee who got caught sending shirtless pictures of himself to a woman he met on Craigslist, I think the reason he stepped down was not because of the pictures that came out, but because he knew the other shoe was about to drop. The other shoe being that he was also picking up transvestites on Craigslist.

In my opinion, this isn’t a matter of morality, it’s a matter of intelligence. Stupid people or people that easily influenced to do stupid things should not be among our elected officials. Period. Regardless of race, sex or religion.

1. You probably suck.
I don’t know you, I’m just playing the percentages on this one. I’ve met a lot of women in my life, I would venture to say more than the average man, and I’ve learned a few things. Namely, that most women aren’t worth the time, energy or money a date would entail. Most of you are insipid, whiny, obnoxious, self-absorbed to an almost unfathomable level and really have nothing interesting to say. Admittedly, this is a generalization.

2. I’m not buying you dinner.
It’s patently absurd that in the year 2011 I am expected to pay for the date because I’m male. It’s just stupid. In an age where women surpass men in the number of college degrees, college enrollment and post-graduate degrees? In an age where women equal and in some places outnumber men in the workplace? I’m supposed to pay for the meal. Why?

And don’t even give me that chivalry nonsense or some garbage about tradition.
I’ll make a deal with you, I’ll pay for your meal under five conditions. You know, because it’s tradition.
1) I get to ask your father whether I can date you – you aren’t consulted, he’ll just tell you where and when.
2) During the date, I decide what you will eat and drink, you don’t get to speak to the waiter at all, for any reason.
3) You wear a corset.
4) If you go to the bathroom, you ask to be excused – not excuse yourself – to go powder your nose or go to the powder room.
5) You say “thank you” for the meal after we’re done, whether we like each other or not.

If these conditions seem a bit outdated, it’s because they are. Just like the idea that the man is supposed to pay for the meal. It’s stupid and arcane. The reason men paid for dates “traditionally” was because women didn’t have jobs and lived at home with their parents. It’s 2011, you don’t live with your parents and you have a job, pay for your own damn food.

3. You’re probably not going to have sex with me.
Let’s be honest, the main reason most men go on dates is in hope they’ll get lucky. There’s a reason it’s called getting lucky. Dating to me is like a bad combination of roulette and prostitution. It’s like you give the prostitute the money in the form of dinners and drinks and you hope that her internal wheel is dialed to sex. If you do everything right and she’s “that kind of girl” you might get lucky. Maybe. And that’s after you spend $20 - $100. More than likely, you’ll have to take her on at least three dates, which comes to $60 - $300 in order to “get lucky.” And who knows if the sex will even be any good or what she’ll look like under the make-up, padded bra, and million assorted other accessories women use to make themselves look like a different person.

4. It’s probably not going anywhere.
Even if I do spend enough money to have sex with you, that’s probably as far as it’ll go. Again, I’m just playing the percentages here. How many people in happy, successful relationships do you know whose relationship started when he took her on a date? I don’t know any. Relationships don’t start from dates, they start somewhere else (friendship, dating websites, college) and then eventually after the relationship is already blossoming a date will happen. Not before. Ask your friends in relationships if a date is how their relationship got started. Ask all of them. I think you’ll notice a disturbing trend. No, dating is just the cause of fleeting hope. “Oh, I had such a good date,” quickly turns to disappointment, never a long-term meaningful relationship.

5. You’re just going to lie to me.
Dates are a forum for deceit. The entire premise of dating is that you get dressed up to impress the other person by showing only certain parts of yourself. The entire practice is predicated on lying. That’s why there are so many dating advice books out there. Ladies: don’t talk too much, don’t eat too much food, don’t take food to go on dates one – four, wear something sexy but not slutty, don’t mention old boyfriends, don’t drink too much, don’t wear the wrong shade of lipstick. Guys: Don’t go somewhere cheap, make sure to give the server a big tip, don’t wear too much cologne, don’t talk about yourself. Dating is probably the single biggest albatross to actually getting to know somebody there is on planet earth.

6. Why deal with the drama?
What should I wear? Where should we go? Should I pick her up or meet her? Will she like the place? What should I order? Is it gay if I order a salad? What if I spill something on myself? Should I order an appetizer? Do I look cheap if I order an appetizer as my meal?

7. I could have just as much fun for free or spend that time with people I already know and like.
I have never, ever, ever heard of a date that couldn’t have been replicated exactly as stated without having dinner or going to a movie. SIDE NOTE: Is going to a movie not the single stupidest premise for a date ever? Yeah, let’s spend $25 so we can sit for two hours in a dark theater not talking to each other. I don’t see how the entire experience couldn’t be replicated by her coming to my house to watch HBO. I really don’t. There is also only so much free time a person has to devote to social endeavors. Why waste it spending money on a stranger?

8. Most dates are bad.
How many good date stories have you heard from your friends? How many bad date stories? Exactly. As a man with Mr. Burns mentality (playing the percentages), I see no point in doing something that anecdotally and, I’m guessing, statistically speaking will not be enjoyable.

9. I don’t need to go on a date to get laid.
If dating were the only way to have sex, I would probably give it a shot, but it isn’t. It’s the 21st century and women give it up a lot easier these days. Most times I don’t even need to go out on a free date to have sex. It’s a matter of a chance encounter and maybe a few phone calls. I’m not going to be like every other guy and pretend this is a bad thing. This is a great thing. Just because you don’t have casual sex doesn’t mean your friend doesn’t and I can just talk to her. Also, let’s be honest, you’ve had casual sex. There’s no point in lying to me, it’s not like we’re on a date.

10. The best I can hope for is…another date?
Because most dates aren’t going to end in sexual intercourse, you’ve got to really consider what your endgame is here. It’s not to “get to know someone” and anyone that tells you it is is either a pathological liar or a hopeless idealist who has yet to meet the real world. A date for women is a way to qualify men to see if the man is worthy of meeting their friends and family down the road. A date for a man is a way to see if they can get laid or find a girl who is willing to be their girlfriend so eventually they can have sex regularly. So, I get dressed up, figure out a place to go, pay for the meal, go through all awkward uncertainty and finish it flawlessly and my reward is that I get to do it again? Yeah, that sounds like a fantastic system.

One interesting thing about the hiring of Mike Brown for the Lakers is that no one seems to care Mike Brown is black. No one is pointing out how long it’s been since the Lakers had a black coach or how he’s the x number black head coach in the NBA.

It’s telling that the NBA has enough black head coaches that one being hired isn’t a big deal or a deal at all. Whenever an NFL team hires a black head coach, that’s usually the headline: NFL team hires black head coach. There are now six in the league (or five or whatever the number is now). I found a Bob Ryan column from January 2009 on the subject that’s definitely worth a read. According to the article, Brown is the Lakers’ first ever black head coaching hire - because Magic Johnson was an interim coach - and the Lakers and the Heat are the only two NBA teams to have never hired a black coach.

It’s truly intriguing because when I say no one seems to care the Mike Brown is black, I mean, literally no one cares. His detractors run the racial gamut and all seem to be against him solely because of his perceived inadequacies coaching LeBron James, and none of his supporters have even mentioned that it’s nice to finally have a brotha on the bench. I wonder if the Lakers thought that Brown’s race would help endear him to Angelenos or if they, too, neglected to even think about it.

This also must be the first time a completely unqualified black man got a high-level position and no one screamed or even thought about affirmative action or quotas.

Maybe we actually have reached a post-racial America.

…if he plays poorly or says anything to Russell after they lose. Call me crazy, but this Westbrook-Durant thing just seems to be headed in that direction.

I think the problem is that Westbrook is Jordan (in his head) and Durant is Pippen (in his head) and I think losing bothers Westbrook more than it does Durant. The other problem is that Durant is Jordan (in terms of basketball skills) and Westbrook is Pippen (in terms of basketball skills).

This marriage was either doomed from the start or can only be rectified if Westbrook becomes a better player than Durant. And if he moves to two-guard so he isn’t able to hog the ball quite so much.

I wrote an entire 900-word essay on this yesterday, but I think this says it all in a much more succinct way.

I know everyone and their mother is writing a post on this whole judgment day thing and as much as I hate to join the crowd, I thought this could be an important moment in American history. Not because I believe the rapture is actually coming, but because we could get an awesome holiday out of this whole thing.

Firs, some background. This entire judgment day on May 21 campaign is built upon conjecture and bad math.

Basically, this guy Harold Camping decided that the numbers 5, 10 and 17 represent the math for Christ’s return and so (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) years since Christ died is exactly today (based on the date Camping decided Christ died).The Scientific American breaks this all down here.

Obviously, this is stupid and pointedly ridiculous (I’m not even going to begin discussions on how ego-maniacal it is to think you, alone, know and decide all these things). But let’s maybe take this opportunity, because it’s become sort of an American phenomenon to have a celebration.

It seems like people are already having celebrations and offering discounts for judgment day. Like this, for instance. So, why not just make it official. I propose that every May 21 we celebrate Judgment Day. It’ll be like Independence Day, but the opposite. Rather than celebrating that Judgment Day happened, because it obviously will not, we celebrate every May 21 that the world still exists and the rapture has not come.

We could create an entire End of Days theme. It would be like a mix of Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Mexico’s Dia de Los Muertos and Cinco de Mayo (or St. Patrick’s Day or any holiday centered around drinking). Every year people could gather with friends and loved ones and celebrate that the rapture has not yet come and that we’ve survived another year. We can do this until the rapture actually comes.

I think this is a brilliant idea and I wanted proof in writing that I was the first to think of it.